I did not do it. I didn't, but I wish that I had. Watching it happen gave me more relief than a thousand lying whores. I wish I was the monster you think I am. I will not give my life for this, and I know I'll get no justice here, so why not let the Gods decide my fate. 

 

ofgeography:

so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!

here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:

disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.

sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.

so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—

here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:

  • it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.

so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE:

  • you have to pay for pay per view.

so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”

  • AS A FAMILY.

and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.

"i received the tv bill today," my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. "does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?"

as a reminder, a quick table survey:

  • my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)
  • my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)
  • my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)
  • me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography

silence.

my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”

silence.

my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.

my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”

  • WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?

"don’t expose my kid to that crap."

  • DON’T
  • EXPOSE
  • MY KID
  • TO THAT CRAP

"if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room."

  • I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT
  • IN THE LIVING ROOM

but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?

  • are you fucking kidding
  • i did not want to go to porn prison

the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:

  • my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for
  • my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences
  • my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences

but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?

  • are you fucking kidding
  • this is the best thing i’ve ever done

(Fonte: bellecs)

indecisive-sheep-art:

Aaaand I’m somewhat done for now. God this was such a pain, but so worth finishing. The skin actually looks like skin :’D Thinking of adding some tattoos when I come back. IDK
Enjoy

indecisive-sheep-art:

Aaaand I’m somewhat done for now. God this was such a pain, but so worth finishing. The skin actually looks like skin :’D Thinking of adding some tattoos when I come back. IDK

Enjoy

ashiecrackerr:

So in my basic drawing class we are learning to draw facial features and I couldnt help myself to draw eyes on all the lips

breakingbadfriends:

Breaking Bad spinoff Better Call Saul gets first teaser trailer and air date
"The clip, which aired on AMC in the US over the weekend, shows Bob Odenkirk’s errant lawyer Saul Goodman addressing a client: “Lawyers, we’re like health insurance. You hope you never need it, but man oh man, not having it? No.” Keen Breaking Bad viewers will notice that Goodman’s hair has more thickness to it than usual.
In July, a billboard appeared in Albuquerque advertising the services of ‘James M McGill’, Goodman’s alter ego as a younger man. Callers to the number given could hear Odenkirk’s voice on an answerphone message.
The teaser clip ends with a promised air date of February 2015. The show will air on Netflix in the UK.”
Source: www.theguardian.com

breakingbadfriends:

Breaking Bad spinoff Better Call Saul gets first teaser trailer and air date

"The clip, which aired on AMC in the US over the weekend, shows Bob Odenkirk’s errant lawyer Saul Goodman addressing a client: “Lawyers, we’re like health insurance. You hope you never need it, but man oh man, not having it? No.” Keen Breaking Bad viewers will notice that Goodman’s hair has more thickness to it than usual.

In July, a billboard appeared in Albuquerque advertising the services of ‘James M McGill’, Goodman’s alter ego as a younger man. Callers to the number given could hear Odenkirk’s voice on an answerphone message.

The teaser clip ends with a promised air date of February 2015. The show will air on Netflix in the UK.”

Source: www.theguardian.com

nurdsite:

My buddy Tom baked a cake for his Argentinian friend to cheer her up after the world cup loss.
…they are no longer friends.

nurdsite:

My buddy Tom baked a cake for his Argentinian friend to cheer her up after the world cup loss.

…they are no longer friends.